They have to be watching us. There really is no other explanation. We’re not a Nielson house, but that little blue eye in the TV receiver – it watches us.
If my husband and I talk about something – anything – outside of the norm, it knows. And it mocks us.
The most recent example – a few days ago I was at the bank inside Wal-Mart with my son, and an older lady had a rubber doll sitting up in her cart, like a child. She was washing its face and cooing to it like a real baby. This display fascinated my four-year-old (read: loud) son.
Later that night I was telling my husband this story. Not two hours later we saw a TV show featuring this:
The show was about social taboos, one of which is having “babies” like this.
In thirty-some-odd years, the world has never seen fit to warn me that things like this occurred regularly. Yet after I went through the uncomfortable conversation with my son, within earshot of the lady of course, the world mocked me by throwing that up on my TV.
And that happens all the time. Sometimes TV replays an absurdity, sometimes it is a portent.
One night we were sitting in bed, watching a documentary on bugs (scintillating, aren’t we?) and a segment on June bugs came on. I hate June bugs. They freak me out and send me straight into an uncharacteristic girly spaz that includes ducking, head batting and squeaking.
I made him change the channel. Phew. C-SPAN.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzp, thunk! A freaking Jung bug had found its way into our house, down the corridor into the bedroom to slam into the TV, where moments before TV June bugs had called out my inner little girl.
This is a frequent, near daily occurrence.
If we discuss a song neither of us has heard in 15 years, there it is on an obscure foreign film soundtrack.
And a long time ago, when I was just getting interested in baseball, I asked my husband if pitchers ever totally missed.
Then this happened:
Those were feathers. Randy Johnson hit and obliterated a bird with a pitch. This is so statistically unlikely that it has generated discussions in physics forums online.
Not exactly a miss – the bird was, after all, in the strike zone, but still . . .
My TV threw it at me not ten minutes after I asked.
Sometimes it is so trivial that it’s ridiculous – once a stupid conversation once got out of hand and we ended up talking about monorails – something that is wholly irrelevant to our world. A Simpsons re-run from ’93 came on – Marge V. the Monorail.
This is mockery for the sake of mockery and I —
Oh My God, I have to go! I have to go stand in front of the TV and talk about winning the lottery!