To Think That I Saw It On Water Street


This post could make me look like a bad person. I’m really not. But this will likely make me look petty and shallow; a grown up version of the Heathers from, well, Heathers.

Yes. I would have laughed at this. But I also would laughed if it was on a tiny person. Or a woman with huge breasts. Or a dude with an afro. Or any dude, really. It's just funny.

Dated myself, didn’t I?

Before I continue, let me assure you of a couple of things.

  1. I don’t care one iota about your personal appearance when forming my opinion of you as a person – good or bad can never be determined by looking at someone’s outside.
  2. I think pretty much everything is funny. Sometimes I go to the store in skeleton jammies. I deserve to be laughed at for that.
  3. I would never laugh at or mock anyone. Where they could hear me. Unless it is a friend. No holds barred there.
  4. I have never, and will never, take a phone pic of someone who is . . . we’ll go with “visually arresting” for the sake of sharing.
  5. The above fact does not stop me from cracking up at peopleofwalmart.com or mugshots.

All that being said, I see awesome stuff all the time. Not necessarily ‘awesome’ in the groovy old-school surfer way, but in the true ‘inspiring awe’ sense it originally bore – jaw dropping fascination.

I have seen a man decapitated by stepping in front of an 18-wheeler on I-95. I have seen a man move the entire contents of his apartment (including refrigerator and stove) by pushing them down the road on a hand truck over the course of two days. I have seen one of those women with the freaky 20 inch long fingernails in real life – sorting through the lingerie bin at Filene’s Basement. I have had to explain a woman with a Re-Born doll to my 4 year-old.

But the other day, on a quick trip to the local grocer, I saw a guy that made me wish fact #4 wasn’t in me. And I was, as usual when these things happen, alone.

What first caught my eye was the hat:

This is Al Jorgensen of Ministry. He makes this hat rock.

Except it wasn’t merely a hat like Al’s. Nope. It had teeth around the brim, so it looked a bit like this, too:

I wonder if he wrestled the critter for those teeth.

The other thing that made this guy attention grabbing was his fashion sense:

The no shirt/leather jacket look. Stunning.

Except my guy wasn’t wearing chaps. No, no, that’s far too predictable. He was wearing these:

Daisy Duke would have been proud. Or horrified. I'm going with horrified.

Did I mention this guy’s age? He had to be closing in on 60. And he was tan.

Really, really tan.

And because it was sunny, he was wearing these:

I'm betting you weren't expecting to see Eric Estrada today.

Oh! And I nearly forgot about his boots:

What else would he choose but cowboy boots on those super tan chicken legs?

So he was pretty eye-catching. I tried to be surreptitious in my fascination, keeping my sunglasses on, using the reflection of the supermarket door for a final look.

Once inside, I was smiling as I fetched my produce and moved through to the aisles. But as I came out of the freezer section, I met him again as he cruised along a main aisle, perpendicular to my own.

This view brought me greater joy. For on the left shoulder of his adorned leather jacket was an epaulet, but not a simple bit of cord or a hoisted patch. Oh, no – too mundane. He had one of these:

The squirrel carcass was artistically draped so that the little taxidermied eyed appeared to be peeking over his shoulder.

Wow. Just. . . wow.

I was so amazed by this, that I nearly missed this:

Rat tail circa 1984. And long enough so I think it was an original.

But the capstone to all this?  He was riding one of these:

Oh, COME ON!

Could this guy get any more spectacular? I think not. And though the urge was there, I didn’t take a picture. I really wanted to, though.

Because I see these things all the time. And it is a rare day that I have someone with me. And when you have a lot of weird stories and no witnesses, you seem to be a compulsive liar.

Or that kid that lives on Mulberry Street.

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One thought on “To Think That I Saw It On Water Street

  1. OMG I am dying from laughing so much… I wish there was a pic of this guy to put it all together, but each individual piece was hilarious enough to make me gasp. Thank you for bringing a light ending to a heavy day. And for making me spill my soda.

    *awesome* indeed.

    Like

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