Watch Your Freakin’ Mouth, Jizzmuffin

When I was a kid, the F-word was off-limits in our house. And we knew it was off-limits because my mother never said it. She never even had the nice-girl version of it like ‘freakin’ or ‘flippin’ to throw out now and again.

It’s not that she didn’t swear. When my brother was 12, his friend returned home to tell his mother about it. This is the conversation as Donny’s Mom remembers it:

Mrs. Russell is really religious.

Why do you say that, Donny?

Cause she says Jesus Christ all the time. She even prays when the phone rings. And when you spill a glass of soda she damns it straight to Hell.

As my brother and I got older and slipped up, dropping the f-bomb four blocks away and in an a vacuum, my mother would appear. She had bat ears and could hear even the whispered mutterings of an early morning search for homework.

And always, no matter how far away we were, or how quietly we spoke, she rose up like the wrath of God, all crazy eyed and vengeful to rave at us about the verbal transgression.

Then one day it happened. She said it. And the world stopped.

Everyone froze, waiting to turn to pillars of ash. It was like the snapshot scenes in old movies about nuclear war. We crystallized in our fear, as the air was sucked out of the room and we waited for the world to end.

I’m different.

“Naughty” words don’t bother me. They are so arbitrarily chosen, based on rules of society that have long since gone the way of the powdered wig and the oiled paper windows.

What, you don’t like that word? Here, let me give you four or five synonyms that don’t offend your delicate sensibilities.

The few words that are off-limits in my world are few and far between. And they are words that are often used to be hurtful. Faggot. Nigger. A handful of others.

This creates a bit of a problem for me, as a Mom.

I don’t want the little to say a lot of the ‘naughty’ words, but I’m far from inclined to punish him when he does. Instead I explain that in most places he’ll get in trouble for saying the words, especially if he says them at school. Mostly he gets it, and avoids using the words.

But every now and then he throws me. Like the other day. The dog knocked him down and he leaped to his feet and shouted, “Be careful, Jizzmuffin!”


I don’t even know where that came from. It may have been the first time in my life that I ever heard it. I didn’t even know how to type it – phrase or compound word?

So we had the standard discussion about getting in trouble if he says it in certain company, so it’s best not to use it around the house. We don’t want it to become a habit at home that could slip out at school, right?


Then, a few hours later the dog struck again.

And Q let fly with, “Careful, dog, you dumb jizz.”


He looked at me, all 4 year-old innocence. “What Mama, I didn’t say muffin.”

“Oh, honey, ‘muffin’ isn’t the problem. ‘Jizz’ is.”


“It just is, Buddy, it just is.”


15 thoughts on “Watch Your Freakin’ Mouth, Jizzmuffin

  1. My daughter, who is almost 5, has been watching videos on our older tv that has a vcr built in. Well, this vcr likes to eat the tapes. And apparently the one time when I was fighting with it, I must have said “damn it” a time or two. Because the next time we had a problem with it, I hear beside me “damn it” and a little girl’s giggle. So, I had to explain to her that it’s not a nice word and mommy shouldn’t have said it in the first place. It doesn’t really bother me, but I figure it’s not something she should get used to saying(and I guess I really should start watching what comes out of my mouth).


    • I have a really hard time watching my mouth, before my son was born I was like a pirate when I got mad, and the ONE thing that still gets me is when technology fails…I’d cave over the VCR, just like I cave over a dead mouse, an over heating computer or anything else – computers and cars KILL me. I think every parent lets some drop now and then – and I take your tactic too – if I saw something I shouldn’t have, I apologize and tell him I shouldn’t have said it. Here’s hoping no reprimands for him at school next year!


  2. I can only imagine the fun and joys of navigating through parenthood. LOL! Growing up, my Mom was much like you are. She wasn’t overly concerned with our use of swear words etc. She didn’t learn English until she was 20 so they meant very little to her but she did teach us about the consequences of using them in inappropriate situations and about respecting people around you….and we learned. Mostly the easy way. Sometimes the hard way.


    • I love being a Mom, though sometimes it kills me thinking of spastic, neurotic me being responsible for shaping a functioning human being. I am SO socially awkward and inappropriate sometimes, I have to try really hard to make sure he doesn’t come out like that – hence the no saying naughty words rule. But when he asks why, I’m at a loss. My only solution is the ‘I don’t want you to get in trouble or have people dislike talking to you’ explanation. But at least it seems to be working. Sort of.


  3. I so agree! Words are just words overall. We have to give them meaning to give them any power. It is society that gives power and definition to them. I try to teach my son what is acceptable vs. not acceptable. Sadly though he has a affinity for “shi#” I wrote about it several times if you want to see it Oh Sh@$ Moment


    • The link didn’t work. 😦 I love reading about other parents and their experiences like this. . .makes me feel like I’m not doing too bad, myself. When I have a bit more time I’ll go check your blog archives and search it out.


    • This made me think of code words my brother and I made up for a bunch of stuff when we were young and my mother collecting them all quietly while we sat around thinking we had outwitted her. THen she stunned us by flinging them back at us in a glorious display, just before she grounded us both.


  4. Since my son’s 12th birthday we have given him swear words he is “allowed” to use in appropriate situations. Let me tell you ASS can be turned into sooooo many words πŸ™‚

    Enjoyed your post and thanks to Natalie for her good taste in blogs.


    • That’s funny. And I have a good idea how many ‘ass-‘words there are, since ‘asshat’ is one of my favorite insults to lay out at friends. Glad you stopped by and enjoyed the post. I love Natalie’s blog, and appreciate her for posting my stuff on her own site as often as she does. I’m off to check your out now.


  5. Oh, great post. You got me all nostalgic.

    I recall having a very similar experience with my mum about the word ‘bumma’. It was in my mind a meaningless, so inoffensive and allowable curse word I could use without making my mum so enraged her eyeballs threatened to pop. Always a worry. But I was sadly mistaken. Even my three year older brother didn’t get her rage and out step-fathers ramble into how awful we were. We were so confused we giggled instead of apologising, which only added another layer of rage. Mums eyes looked positively bulging.

    She never told me why it was so bad either. I asked my dad eventually (who had a mouth like a sailor) and he said “It’s what homosexuals do to each other. Its no big deal. But your mum and teachers are sensitive creatures.” He shrugged and added, “So whisper it under your breath, then say what they want you to say.” He winked. I still had idea what it all meant, although I suspect my brother wasn’t quite so clueless after this explanation. πŸ˜›

    Shah X


    • You were in my Spam file. That’s not right! My Mom had that bulging eye, we’re all going to die look too! It was much more horrifying than yelling or anything else she could have done. I love your Dad’s take on it – that is totally the tactic my husband would take.


  6. I feel the same way. I don’t want my 3 year old to swear, but I don’t punish her when she occasionally does. After all she’s hearing it from me or other family members. I found that if I don’t pay much attention when she does it, then she doesn’t say it again. If I tell her that it’s not nice, she will keep repeating it. It probably doesn’t help that I’m usually giggling when I tell her this.


    • I found the same thing – the less attention I give it the more likely it will be said once, then disappear from the lexicon. But I never get too excited, because you’re right. If it’s coming out of his mouth, he heard it somewhere and it seems unfair to punish him for what he heard. Once you hear it, it’s there. Can’t unring the bell! And I’m guilty of the giggle too. Especially on this one.


I'd love to hear what you think - comments make my day!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s