I Am the Center of A Cosmic Conspiricy of the Absurd


I overslept. All the way through my first client, until the little woke me up just before 10 AM, hungry.

Crap!

I have never, in 4+ years, missed a call due to something like this.

I was on my feet, grabbing peanut butter and bread to slap a sandwich together for the little as the computer booted up and I logged into my various cyber doohickeys.

Sit down with a nuked cup of yesterday’s coffee, 2 minutes late for my second call.

Not bad. When I was done, a quick call to reschedule and offer  profuse apologies to the client I stood up, and I could get back in my groove.

Make coffee. Check email. Check in with the nursing home to see if they had arranged for transportation for Mom to visit her father in the hospital. It might be the last time she can see him.

Deep breath over the first cup of real coffee, but as I took the first sip I realized that I missed trash day.

That’ll be awesome after a few more days in this God awful heat.

Damn.

Rocking the day so far. Better take this half hour window to get myself together – prepare for the meeting with the big boss man later today.

The first time ever, I have had to sit at the grown ups table, and I somehow dropped the ball. We were green-lighted right up until he was given the contract to sign.

Then some cosmic jackass pulled the needle across the record.

One more meeting. We need to justify the expense and my decision-making for the material I provided to my department manager.

That meeting is why I overslept. It’s freaking me out, making me chew Xanax like candy, and staying up ’til 1 AM double checking everything.

T minus 6 hours.

Shit.

Then the phone rang.

My grandfather died.

Fuck.

BUT. Lest you think I can get through a day without an absurdity, please, read on.

But first, a couple of things you need to know.

  • My husband has allergies to certain insects, so 4 times a year we have our yard treated by a pest services company.
  •  My mother worries to an absurd degree, if someone doesn’t arrive promptly on time she assumes they have been involved in an accident. If they get to the point of being 20 minutes late she assumes they are dead.
  •  We are remodeling the bathroom (still) and have taken down the curtains and blinds to paint.
  •  Behind our house there is a stack of uninstalled picket fencing I bought to keep our toddler from running too close to the road. We don’t actually HAVE a toddler, but we did when I bought the fencing. 3 years ago.

When the call came in, I had to move fast, as the nursing home had told Mom they were arranging for her to go see my grandfather. Delays in that process would freak my mother out.

I spent a precious few minutes clearing my work docket for the day, and another few touching base with my brother and my aunts.

Since I had overslept, I was still in my pjs, so I grabbed clothes and bolted  to the bathroom, shedding my jammies as I entered. I sat down to pee, and grabbed my bra off the counter to multi-task by dressing as I peed.

As I was jacking my arms around back to fasten, I finally turned my head toward the window to see the guy from the pest services company.

Eyes wide, mouth agape, about 10 inches from the uncurtained window, looking in.

And there was nowhere for me to go. The bathroom is tiny, and um, I was peeing.

While I looked, he covered his face with his hand and took a step backwards, disappearing in space.

He’d stepped off the stack of fencing he’d been standing on and collapsed in a heap on our lawn.

Mortified, I finished dressing and left the bathroom.

But because this is me, the story couldn’t end there, with that minor humiliation.

Oh no. When I went out to get in my car, I was blocked in.

I had to face him, to ask him to move his truck so I could get out.

His face was still red, and he was limping.

I kind of wish I could read the Worker’s Comp Accident description.

**** WordPress would like me to tag with post with “Heisman Trophy” “Manning Passing Academy” and “Louisiana” I do not understand technology.

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One thought on “I Am the Center of A Cosmic Conspiricy of the Absurd

  1. I’m so sorry about your grandfather, sweetie! Mama and I’s thoughts and prayers are with you and your whole family. Hope I’m there to give you a hug. 😦 😦 😦
    About your job…well, I’m thankful I am no longer working because I was one of those pain in your ass. See? My termination is useful. Hahaha! Think positive. I know, you’re good with that one. And please always remember, I’m always here for you and to support you…my sweetie pattootie dearest friend. Hugs and kisses! ❤ ❤ ❤

    Like

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